The Things We Wish For

Some days you wake with the best of intentions and it is those days it seems when your intentions are tested. When you look inside yourself and still feel scared and helpless, life feels long. It feels tired. You pretend that you long for profound answers and resolution but want you really long for is stability, direction regardless of how shallow. When you feel afraid, cheating becomes attractive.

Yet you know, really know that without a will to master yourself, your circumstances, the noise in your head, you would be terribly lost. As long as you can muster some courage and resolve, you still belong to yourself.

Limits

One of these days we will be the sun we will go dancing with the moon, the stars will watch and applaud us as we claim our right to the sky.

The Morality Police

First watch this video

Rihanna - Man Down

Now what did you think? Is the first thing that popped into your head well she shouldn't have shot him? Was it something along the lines of that was unnecessarily violent? Did Mrs.Lovejoy's voice screech into your head beseeching you or anyone around you to "pleeeeease think of the children?" If you thought along the same lines as me that your view was entirely the opposite of this, entirely.

I say this only for context because do a quick google search on the controversy surrounding this video at how Rihanna has had to defend herself about this video, how she is being excoriated from all sides for the "senseless violence" of the video.

Let me make it clear I don't really care for Rihanna's music. I don't care either way if I remember her thirty years from now, it just isn't my cup of tea. I have no real feelings about her art or form and would not consider myself a fan.

Yet I feel compelled to defend her and her art at this point for three reasons.

The first is saccharine. If this was your daughter, sister, mother or a friend and they were assaulted in a manner depicted in the video, and they went and shot their assailant wouldn't you applaud them, or at the very least understand the motivation behind such an act? I consider myself a pacifist and do not condone violent solutions to violent problems but I would still have a hard time condemning someone for it and would empathize deeply with their reasons for doing what they did.

The second is Rihanna herself. In the last two years nude pictures of her were leaked online and more infamously her now ex-boyfriend Chris Brown beat the living tar out of her in an highly publicized incident, and he is now enjoying chart success once more with his new album. So put that in context. Even if Rihanna would never in real life shoot someone down, having been through what she has been through, does she at least not have the right to fantasize about killing someone who assaults her? Is the video not just really a thinly veiled allegory to the Chris Brown incident with Rihanna imagining what it would be like to kill a man she loved who stole her dignity and beat her to into a bloody mess?

The last point ties to the second. If this was Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood and even if they hadn't been assaulted in real life, would their video not be viewed as a proper response to an assault on a female and an assertion/justification for second amendment rights? So isn't that the biggest problem? The fact that Rihanna is a sexually provocative black woman who shoots someone in a video and the indignation that follows that is just an old story of coded racism. The translation the the anger is this: Niggers are violent, even women Niggers, keep you children safe.

and that just makes me want to shoot someone. Pacifism and all.

Is it really simple?

More often than not our days don't happen as we imagined they would. We are elaborate in our expectations of movement and perfection that we wish to extract from the day and yet while we may gain all of what we wanted, it is rare it happens that way we imagine.

You get soaked in the pouring rain after days of wishing for a storm. You hear music and move in the rhythm of love and afternoon to a sound that is twenty years old. You lose your breath chasing yourself, coming to the knowledge that the pursuit of loneliness and solitary exertion are the foundations of your self.

Nothing goes the way it should but it goes the way you need. Some days it's easier to know this. Some days you see how small you are and how grand, how universal how eternal that is. Some day you keep promises, fingers into dirt, you dig and move the earth.

Some Days

Some days it doesn't matter what you do. Those days are just days that have the knack to sink you so low. Everything in the day will seem to gather and you will feel crushed from every side. Work will pile up and it won't matter how much you put in, some days it won't be enough. When you wake it will be raining when you wake for the fifth damn day in a row and when the sun makes its appearance you will be stuck inside. You will receive news that your esteemed leaders will smile as they kick you in the teeth. You will learn again and again that dishonesty is rewarded, that merit is dying a silent death.

And when you come home, even with the finest intentions, your will is breached. You will make poor decisions knowingly and be unwilling then unable to stop. You will be ashamed at your weakness and be ashamed for your shame.

You will feel that everything is impossible.

And then it begins to rain again, hard. Sheets of rain come swooping down and the smell of grass and dirt will rush upwards into your mouth. You will taste the fragrance of the earth and for a moment you know everything that life offers. After a moment you will return to your life but you will return with a moment of eternity captured. You will feel compelled to write and as you write you know it is enough. Everyday, even our most miserable can be salvaged in a moment.

The Rain (the weather report)

I love the rain

the smell, the sound, the swing.

But even I can get tired of rain.

It is May 16th, it is raining again

3 days, 4 nights of rain coming in spasms

Cold mornings, cold nights, miserable skies

Some days do nothing to ease my heart.

Just Because You're Paranoid, Don't Mean They're Not After You

What I have to say is simple. We are being herded (with ignorant consent) to being watched all the time.

If I asked you the following three questions, what would your answer be:

1. Should the Government be able to obtain your your personal information (who you are, where you live, contact information and internet access point) without a warrant?

2. Should they be able to obtain that information instantly, be able to intercept your conversations in real time

3. Should it be a criminal offence to be a persona online, blogging, tweeting, commenting, sharing or creating under an alias that represents a part of your personality?

If you answered no, then it's time to wake up. This is happening within the next 100 days. If we don't say anything now, then we will not only lose our country, but our individuality as well. Once we give up this freedom, what government would ever give it back?

http://tinyurl.com/3pud9mw

Balconies

Rain throughout the day one and off, mostly light, but cold and persistent. The middle of May and a high of 13C., cold wet and windy, a perfect April in the middle of May, including the greyness of the days.

But the light is lasting longer, the air is fresher, fragrant. All this rain will make for a spectacular summer of colour.

And then you look out from your balcony and see the sun setting in the distance , looking as tiny as a dime. And you wonder if the sun feels as small as you feel in the universe, if it's able to take it's smallness and at the beauty of infinity. You wonder if everything can be so charmed.

Marcel Proust Was Right

I have these deep rooted memories of rainwater and how it always reminds me of being in Florida with my parents when we were younger, especially the ET ride at Universal studios and how it smelled like rainwater inside there all the time. Going onto the balcony and smelling the perfume of freshly rained on flowers, trees, grass and earth makes me feel so incredibly safe, rooted and eternal. It is a beautiful feeling. When I took Henri out into the hallway, I was immediately reminded of hotel hallways in Florida and for a brief but timeless second I remembered cheap handheld video games, my small body as a child wrapped in a towel, dripping from a swim in a hotel pool. Like the legs of the muppet babies nanny, I could feel the presence of my father hovering somewhere in my memory. But is was the smell of my apartment hallway where I lost myself. It is almost the same smell as the corridors of those Florida hotels, warm and rainy and stuck to the walls. For that one second I remember a childhood and convince myself that my memories have indeed happened.

A Saturday Morning Run

May 14th 2011

I swear I felt heaven when I ran today, I swear it smelled heaven outside . 18C foggy, misty, lucid. It felt surreal, like I was running in a painting that would fade into eternity. The scent of flowers from streets away drifted easily on a gentle wind. The smell and scope of trees fully live along the Don Valley, a drama unto themselves. Tall, vibrant dazzling greens from the many days of rain remind me of why I run outside. Everyday I run outside, I fall in love with my city all over again, in every season, I love her over and over. Every night I fall asleep, I dream for another day when I can chase her heart again.

http://www.madetorun.com/the-human-body/made-to-run/people-are-made-to-run/

I Swear This Past Year Has Just Seemed Unreal

It might be melodramatic and unfounded hysteria inside me that I didn’t sleep last night. Just tossed and turned with an unsettled stomach that was perhaps laden with fanciful fear. I so hope to be proven wrong and find that four years from now the Conservative government has had to govern more from the centre than from the right even with the coveted majority. Perhaps having now to ensure that Ontario needs success as much as Alberta will sober any rash decision that affects 11 million people and a large electorate. Yet when I think of the new I have read of Prime Minister Harper since early 2000’s, I am not buoyed or steadied. I am fearful. Not just suspicious but fearful. This is not the kind of Rex Murphy conservatism. By the words and writings of himself and his party members this is a social conservatism as well as it is a fiscal conservatism. The social part is what tenses me. I grew up in a world and in a Canada that had overall progressed towards a socially liberal country. From time to time it would be necessary to becoming fiscally conservative but values such as sharing, peace, community and responsibility to our surroundings were guiding principles for all of us. The Harper Tory’s are admitted supporters of increased policing at a time when crime is down. They have supported the idea the a woman’s body is not hers to decide what to do with and that and that two adults are not able to decide the terms of their intimacy. Last night though what made this the hardest was learning that Canada found a party that was ethically contemptuous, that has muzzled the media and actively pursued keeping information from the public was rewarded with the privilege to govern this beautiful country and the beautiful spirit that has guided her until now. That we have done so at a time when our public and government has condemned is shameful. And that is why I did not sleep easy tonight. Yet that is why, from today forward, the 60% of people who did not give this government it’s mandate ensure that it does not rest either until it works for us as well.

Six Thoughts on the 41st Canadian Federal Election

This government and how it played out could ensure a constitutional crisis in Quebec. Can a federalist party in opposition with a leader representing Toronto defend the French language with MP’s that do not speak French? We must ensure that this vital part of our national psyche and spirit is protected

If the we keep using terms like left, centre and centre left, the next four years will be spent with us fighting while we watch the Harper Tories carve up our country. If we start calling ourselves the progressive vote we can begin a dialogue and consensus while reclaiming the word the Tories have long abandoned

The decline of the bloc only intensifies the Parti Quebecois. This should be a cause for concern for any true federalist and supporter of la langue et culture francaise inside and outside of Quebec

When the Prime Minster says (the day after being elected) that we will protect the “universal system of health insurance” take notice. Currently we have “universal health care” in Canada. Care is something you get, insurance is something you pay for

When 60% of the persons who voted do not actually dictate the government mandate but instead control it’s muzzled opposition, it should be clear regardless of political allegiance, electoral reform is a crucial tool for the survival Canadian democracy

A debate (perhaps split into English and French) within the final two weeks of the election would have served the public far more beneficially then any parliamentary report coming out soon. Even during a snap election, two face to face battles between those vying for the governance of our country is not enough to determine policy or proper opinion

Oh what a day and perhaps it must be uttered, what a life so far. I have entered the last year of my twenties, yesterday I celebrated my 29th new year of life, I am one year before 30. Many things have changed over my entire life while significant changes continue to happen each year. I became a vegetarian, found myself as runner and have generally mad peace with and settled into a life with my great love and bestest of all friends, my dear wife Emily.

So what did I do with my birthday? The sam as most years yet no cheesecake at Futures Bakery this year. Emily took me bookshopping and I got a large haul, 28 books in total.

No superbowl party this year, quiter evening, few people came over, some good cheer, good smoke and good food with a great game and the day and evening were perfect. It snowed, mostly lightly all weekend and it was nice to see snow on my birthday.

In all I look forward to the last year of my twenties, it feels more and more that I am becoming who I am, that I have accepted myself and am ready for the world.

Here are the books I got and will be reading this year:

Mr Funny -Roger Hargreaves

Norweigan Wood - Haruki Murakami

After the Quake - Haruki Murakami

Player Piano - Kurt Vonnegut

Perfume - Patrick Suskind

The Essential Gandhi - Mahatma Gandhi

East, West - Salman Rushdie

On Living and Dying - Jiddu Krishnamurthi

One Day In the Life of Ivan Denisovitch - Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Bloodletting and Other Miraculous Cures - Vincent Lam

A Happy Death - Albert Camus

The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

The House of the Dead - Fyodor Dostoevsky

Radio Free Albemuth - Phllip K Dick

The Age of Reason - Jean Paul Satre

Cocksure - Mordecai Richler

The BFG - Roald Dahl

The Pickwick Papers - Charles Dickens

Payback: The Shadow Side of Debt and Wealth - Margaret Atwood

The Upanishads - Swami Prabhavananda

The Plague - Albert Camus

The Moor's Last Sigh - Salman Rushdie

The First Man - Albert Camus

The Wall - Jean Paul Sartre

Introducing Quantum Theory

The Witches - Roald Dahl

Pinocchio - Carlo Collodi

The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins

Bibliophilia 2011!

January

1. Nausea - Jean Paul Sartre

2. The Ethics of Diet: A History of Vegetarian Thought (Abridged) - Howard Williams

3. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami (English Translation [Jay Rubin])

4. Animal Liberation - Peter Singer

5. What I Talk About When I Talk About Running: A Memoir - Haruki Murakami

February

1. Mostly Harmless - Douglas Adams *

2. The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More - Roald Dahl

3. You 2.0 The Owners Manual - Dr. Michael F. Roizen, Dr Mehmet Oz

4. The Plague - Albert Camus

5. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho

6. After the Quake - Haruki Murakami

7. The God Delusion - Richard Dawkins

8.Alan Carr's Easy Way to Quit Smoking - Alan Carr

March

1. The Moor's Last Sigh - Salman Rushdie

2. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich - Alexander Solzhenitsyn

3. Norwegian Wood - Haruki Murakami

4. The Essentianal Gandhi (speeches and writings) - Louis Fischer (Editor)

5. The Upanishads (breath of the Eternal) - Swami Prabhavanada (translator) & Frederick Manchester (translator)

6. The Bhagavad Gita - Penguin Classics, Betty Radice (advisory editor)

April

1. Player Piano - Kurt Vonnegut

2. Radio Free Albemuth - Philip K. Dick

3. Perfume - Patrick Suskind

4. Speeches That Changed the World - Various

5. Revenge of the Baby- Sat: A Calvin & Hobbes Collection - Bill Watterson*

6. Voltaire's Bastards: The Dictatorship of Reason in the West - John Ralston Saul

May

1. The BFG - Roald Dahl

2. Death and Dying - Jiddu Krishnamurthi

3. Bloodletting and Miraculous Cures - Vincent Lam

4. East, West - Salman Rushdie

5. Weirdos From Another Planet A Calvin and Hobbes Collection - Bill Watterson*

6. The Human Stain - Philip Roth

7. The Book of Laughter and Forgetting - Milan Kundera

June

1. The Pickwick Papers - Charles Dickens

2. Yukon Ho! A Calvin and Hobbes Collection - Bill Watterson*

3. God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything - Christopher Hitchens

4. The Calvin and Hobbes Lazy Sunday Book: A Collection of Calvin and Hobbes Sunday Cartoons - Bill Watterson*

5. Cocksure - Mordecai Richler

6. The Age of Reason - Jean Paul Sartre

July

1. The Atheist Manifesto: A Case Against Judaism, Christianity amd Islam - Michael Onfray

2. Pinocchio - Carlo Collodi (English Translation)*

3. A Happy Death - Albert Camus

4. Payback, The Shadow Side of Debt - Margaret Atwood

5. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

6. Madame Bovary (english translation) - Gustave Flaubert

7. Who Moved My Cheese - Spencer Johnson M.D.

8. Scientific Progress Goes Boink A Calvin and Hobbes Collection - Bill Watterson


August


1. The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari - Robin Sharma
2. The Witches - Roald Dahl*
3. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson
4. The Girl Who Played With Fire - Stieg Larsson
5. What We Talk About When We Talk About Love (short story collection) - Raymond Carver
6. Quantum Theory - A Graphic Guide - J.P McEvoy & Oscar Zarate


September


1. The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest - Stieg Larsson
2. The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
3. Oryx and Crake - Margaret Atwood
4. The Game - Ken Dryden

October


1. FlashForward - Robert J. Sawyer
2. Across the River And Into the Trees - Ernest Hemingway
3. How To Live Safely In A Science Fiction Universe - Charles Yu
4. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon


November


1. The House of the Dead - Fyodor Dostoevsky
2. Life Ahead: On Learning and the Search for Meaning - Jiddu Krishnamurthi
3. Ender's Game - Orson Scott Card
4. Angela's Ashes - Frank McCourt

5. Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores The Hidden Side Of Everything - Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner


December


1. Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason - Michel Foucault
2. CBC Massey Lectures: The Unconscious Civilization - John Ralston Saul
3. CBC Massey Lectures: A Race Against Time - Stephen Lewis
4. The Plot Against America - Philip Roth
5. The Invention of Hugo Cabret - Brian Selznick
6. Wonderstruck - Brian Selznick