There I said it.
I've been so afraid of identifying for so long, for fear that I will lose that which I identify with that I will be seen as ridiculous, that I am not what I say I am.
I give up on that. It isn't an ego thing, I don't care how I'm seen,
I care about how I see.
I am superstitious though to say I am something than have something happen that takes it away or ruins it or the idea itself falls apart.
I give up on that too. I am not responsible for the outcome, I am only responsible for the moment.
For the moment, I feel like a runner.
Since I properly started tracking my runs on August 30th, I started to get more motivated, more excited, more dedicated to running, to improving myself through running. Any chance I got I craved going for a run. I sought out sweat.
And I began to change. I started to care about running and then I started to care more about myself through my own eyes instead of the perceived eyes of the world around me. I thought of running when I woke up, desperate to come home from work, lace up and scamper off for a run. I went to bed thinking of my run that day or if I hadn't run that day, then thinking of the next time I could run. I thought of ways to overcome rather than allow myself be overcome. I felt like pushing and pushing.
I started running a couple of years ago but would make excuses (too hot or too cold, too tired or too excited, too much pain or not challenging enough) and often shortchanged myself of a run but most importantly shortchanging myself of my own willingness to pursue something, anything, with any modicum of eagerness and desire.
So when I started tracking myself properly I started to care about the pursuit of sweat. It became easier as I saw progress and distance to know I was actually accomplishing something I had wanted to do for so long: running.
Yet I was still scared, embarrassed, shy and self-conscious of calling myself a runner.
Then on Novmber 30th I went over the 400km mark. 3 months, 400 km run.
and that did it. I saw that, saw the distance covered, saw the amount of time spent and days dedicated to running, and I knew.
I am a runner.
I still can't sort out all of my problems, I still haven't fully quit smoking cigarettes or gained the amount of self acceptance and self reliance I know is necessary for me to leap forward, but it is getting there. The desire to run,
to listen to music and feel my feet carry me,
to feel the winter on my skin, to feel the summer in my bones, to breathe spring and fall,
to feel movement over pavement
to see the skyline over the bridge and claim the city
with every drop of sweat and every single step
I am a Runner.
-s
