quick update on the back.
saw a spinal surgeon/orthapaedic specialist on tuesday after waiting two months for this referral appointment (no i'm not bitter)...they still can't figure out what is wrong and have ordered more tests for me...namely another MRI (with contrast dye this time), more blood work and a TB test. Now I HAD an MRI in June, and i thought it was with contrast dye since i sucked down a whole bottle of orange popsicle tasting liquid the night before the test. I also had blood work done in May of which the same is being ordered again. Haven't had the TB test. I'm wondering then why was i referred to one doctor in early May only to get tests ordered by him, him read the results and then refer to another doctor (much younger than the previous doctor who informed me he no longer performs surgery) so i could wait 2 months and get referred for most of the same tests again! (see i'm not bitter).
So the first specialist gets to bill the province for my visit, then bill the province for my referral...ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the capitalisation of universal health care...if there is profit to be found it always will make itself visible to those who care to search it out.
Other than that though the MRI wait should be shorter this time since it will be at ScarGen which does 24/7 scans as opposed to ScarCentenarry which only does up to 11 pm scans and is part of rouge river which serves the nuclear holocaust we lovingly call Pickering.
Generally, I'm feeling more upbeat (yes it is hard to tell, i'm a very curmudgeonly young man), and learning to take things day by day, moment by moment and stop letting this whole ordeal govern my physical and emotional responses to the world. I have a wunderbar wife who makes it easier, a family that does much of the worrying for me and inexplicable still unconditionally loves me, and friends who still have their hearing to listen to me after all my ranting raving rambunctious regards. This makes things OK. I believe in tests in life (perhaps this makes it easier) adn so far this has been quite the test. I'm feeling better than i did in December, better than in May, better than in June, so perhaps patience is the key to my limited sanity. Physically there is much i want to do, excercise with weights being the foremost, learning how to jog the second, but when i get their it will be sweeter (i keep telling myself this) because i will have earned it through patience and misfortune. Right now this works for me. I've been upset and angry about this for too long and my mental health is now much more important to me. I'd rather be happy and try to live rather than want to live a specific way. Adjustments at the line ar key to a quarterback's success in this league. As long as i can identify the blitz (in this case an ego driven mind that increasingly wants wallow in misery) i can shift the line, audible the next course of action and try to hit my targets. It won't always work but it seems like a much healthier approach than throwing mental tantrums and feeling sorry for myself.
i can walk, i can sleep, i have a good life, one so far i can be proud of. I have good peoples and many people do not have my fortune. Do i wish things were different, sure, i'd be lying if i said i wish i wasn't better and i really want to hurt because it makes me stronger. I'm not an idiot, pain sucks plain and simple, it is not something people wish upon themselves for shits and giggles..most people. Do i regret how it happened that fateful december afternoon? no i don't, i would do it all again cause i did what i thought was right. That matters. I can either accept the process and move on or bitch until i'm hoarse and still be where i am. I'll choose the former from now since it has the least negative impact on my mental ability to be happy. Sure i'll probably complain about it now and then, its hard not to, but overall acceptance is the key to transcendence n'est pas?
You can file all this post under some hokey new age spiritual philosphy, i'm cool with that...but isn't this what we are taught? not just acceptance and moving one but acceptance and deliberation, acceptance and determination.
wish me luck kiddos, it ain't easy but nothing worth its salt ever is.
peace, love, freedom, justice
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